Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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