Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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