we have officially lost it.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
