Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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