ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
