There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
