1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
