Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
