I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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