I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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