I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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