Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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