Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
