Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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