it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
