As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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