Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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