I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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