yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
