well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
