I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
