Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
These 25 Women First Experienced Sexual Harassment At A Shocking Age
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
23 Absolutely Despicable Things That People Have Actually Done
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts