Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
