When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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