I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
