Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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