someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
