Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
