I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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