I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
