I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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