After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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