I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
