your parents love me but you hate me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
