You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
