I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
