I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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