this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
