Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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