and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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