Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
