i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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