I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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