I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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