so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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