I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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