he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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