genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
