I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
