Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
