Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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