Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
