Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
