I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
