I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's rum buckets o'clock
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
