i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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