Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
