i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
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I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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