We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom