your room smells of hookers.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married