is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
