Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
