Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
