I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
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he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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